Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

(Jupiter –

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?