Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

bad news gang

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus