“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
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*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding