Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
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I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Sex so good you see dead people.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
New tinder profile pic
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…