I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
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I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Squirrels before girls.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Become ungovernable.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.