still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Ape together strong
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
