Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

this has done me in for some reason

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.