Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

I don’t make the rules sorry

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property