Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
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OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!