Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole