Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
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My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own