Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*