Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

“FRAAANCE!”

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.