Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

what’s the point then??

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t