Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

I used the label maker

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!