Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.