Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
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My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me My dog
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Autocorrect is my menesis