Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism