I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
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They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Isn’t
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
