Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

Kermit goes Blue.

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings