Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!