Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.