Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
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My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
The future is now.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
🤣
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!