hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
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*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Butt weight. There’s more!
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.