I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
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2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!
me: you know that’s not true, Patsy
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.