‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
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“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
a god among men
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”