I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
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I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I’m putting together a team
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*