I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Lmao
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Not with that attitude
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”