My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
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Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.