When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
You Might Also Like
There is wisdom there.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Mmmm canned fish.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Mistakes were made
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?