Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

Fruity