When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
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Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
We need to put an American base on the sun
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.