My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
You Might Also Like
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.