Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

Passwords are more important than ever.

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.