Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

O Wise One….

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

Home is where your toilet is.

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died