Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

Only short people can save us

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.