Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind