My loaf of bread looks terrified
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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.