It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
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Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
pls suprot
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Well, this certainly took a turn
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.