Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

Namaste

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit