Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
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50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark