Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs