Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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Saw this yesterday lol
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Facebook marketplace is a different world
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.