Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
You Might Also Like
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.