When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
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Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Maths meets science
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”