Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..