Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.