Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.