Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead