Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.