My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
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Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?